Things go wrong and it really shows how frail and pathetic we could be sometimes. My phones got damaged and I started to talk trash. I felt my decision to start a masters research in real estate was a mistake. After I made the post about my phone getting damaged, it was like all my fears came crashing in. I have experienced fears and sometimes feeling helpless but this has not been funny at all.
Now I wonder what’s the use of writing? What’s the point of learning skills that won’t earn me enough money? Without money how do I keep giving my time and efforts to those who need it? I wad getting to a point where I felt I should not be doing anything if it does not pay my bills and I think it has only made me lose value in and for myself.
Replacing Value for Rewards, I lost my Motivation.
I relied so much on provoking reactions that I have lost the ability to live and be human. This situation actually showed me how little value I place on what I am doing while I value validations from others. I even started to experience envy, something I would never imagine myself doing.
My research is about money. Money and investments for housing. I remember the reasons why I wanted to do this research. It was because I noticed that nobody cares about putting money into things they cannot understand, and as bad as housing is in Africa, nobody understands how the market operates. There is so much hidden information and only few people can confidently walk into a community and start a building project.
This means that finances will never be available for real estate in most African countries, nobody is willing to take such blind risk. Only Africans put money in places and things that make no sense; so long as their brother or Uncle says it’s fine. Yet many of us are too poor to own houses, what with more than 17 million housing deficit in Nigeria alone.
What’s the Housing Fuss all about?
Housing has proven to be a major price and economic radar. If housing should go awry in any economy, things get bad real fast. Ask America about the great depression of 2008. We are living that reality of a depressed and homeless economy because no one even knows where to start.
I felt I could demystify the housing market. There was this article I wrote in my final year about markets that are in perfect competition, markets where information is available for anyone who wants to invest in small or large quantities. I won the prize for that conference in my final year, but I got nothing from it. So this journey has always been in my heart but I have followed it halfheartedly and not given myself the reward of believing in the value of my work. Especially since I was getting no rewards.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I fear that I am just one insignificant person. Only one of me cannot change the fate of homeless Nigerians. I think that this thing I am doing will only end up wasting my time and resources and I have put my hopes so much in getting rewards and support. When this did not work out as expected, I started to talk down on myself and lost hope. I despised my own value, and I pushed myself into a messy hole of depressive thoughts.
A thought came to my mind yesterday and it was this: Just because your smart phones got damaged, you now think your life’s work was a mistake? The voice in my heart said “shame on you.” I was ashamed and had to go remove that part of my post.
What could be worse?
I don’t know if things are going to get better anytime soon but I now know how badly I have judged myself and how poorly I have rated my own value. If you are like me, I think we need to fix that part of us. Whatever you are doing right now, is not worthless. The fact that it is tough on you, does not mean it’s useless.
How about you become a purposeless rogue for a bit? Try for a minute to imagine your life all messed up, without direction and no intentions to serve others. Do you think that is of more value? I think the answer is obvious.