watching…..the keys on board and the browsing just loading, so many open windows, too many I suppose i get confused atimes. My Negotiations went awry somewhere am so sure about it. The white of my Laptop screen its just getting whiter by the day and nothing coming of its whiteness, my eyes seem to be getting blurrier, wish I never started using those glasses, I must have hacked the wrong bargain site. Wondering why life expectations don’t always come through? thats the same question I have pondered for so long. The true question is where and when did you start demanding of life, wanting it to make some sense. when did it begin to matter whether or not your tie was well seated or your waistline fitted for that new suit. When did it begin to matter if my salary is really worth my life. I hate the trends and its starting to really get at me, I have been in this cycle, My mum and dad did it, he was a student in tertiary even far before I was born, my son too will be, right about that time I will be heading for retirement just as my dad is heading for his now. Then some headstrong preacher at the end of the street and the bloodthirsty fanatic whose father killed the previous generations of saints also appears on the headline today. What exactly was the bargain I made. Of course am sure I chose planet earth and definitely I chose this family or was It really my choice, did I exist with a reasoning enough to bargain cause if i did, i believe i would have made better claims at the life I want for myself. STOP BLAMING GOD!!!!
Its odd the way we think and hope that things won’t just fall apart some day, they usually end up falling apart while we sit and do nothing about it, we live each day in slavery to the next moment and never dare go out of the bounds of our limits of reasonability, that is why everyone knows the guy who is going to knock the other guys tooth out in school cause he is the one who has always done it and that guy always got his tooth knocked out, he just fits, He was born to HAVE IS TOOTH KNOCKED OUT. The staff at work, yes they also are part of the bargain, they already know who is going to get that promotion and they are darn! well sure its not gonna be you, guess it was just all part of your bargain terms, you never get the handshakes, never the nods and the smiles, no they are for that other guy so what? you leave the room feeling less a man cause you didn’t get the other guy’s bargain, you could have made at least an attempt at being nice to that old toothless hag who smiled at you P.S. she was mother to your boss. Singular gestures of real humanity, ready to take life at the balls and go down fighting, instead of slumping those shoulders. I remember my final year project defense, at a point, the hail of questions got to much I was fighting for dear life but then at a point I just said to myself, “IT DON’T MATTER”, I could leave this room moping over how i couldn’t get to say my bit and still get whooped in the score sheets or I could throw my own pebbles back at them and so I did. Express yourself and activate your own bargain or you will never know that reward of finding purpose in being who you chose to be. Life is a game of choices, you wake up each morning with a choice to remain the backstage cleaner you were yesterday or you could just take a minute to take a swipe at the front-stage, don’t be afraid the bargain was never yours, you were never meant for front-stage, but your best friend just fits into the life “SHOES” and now you can only give an half-hearted smile when you celebrate him PATHETIC!!!!….that is what I call it, you have a choice, LIFE is a podium, a STAGE, you could remain in the crowd cheering half-heartedly, wishing you were the one on stage or you can go for the next AUDITIONS…. If you stare hard and long enough you may see the advert that life gives you each moment, its fleeting and only a passing idea, that easily floats away, GREATNESS is born in silent whispers of the heart but violent thuds of an anxious heart, most importantly the resulting decision of a fearless re-bargain of life determines who gets on the stage.